


Ignorance is Innocence

by OhDontDeceiveMe



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Drama, I'm Bad At Tagging, Made up death note rules, Memory Loss, No Smut, Post-Yotsuba Arc, Romance, Slow Burn, So much angst, Yotsuba Arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2018-12-26 02:10:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12049131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhDontDeceiveMe/pseuds/OhDontDeceiveMe
Summary: Life attached to Ryuzaki was something Light didn't think he would ever get accustomed to. Ryuzaki never slept (which Light knew, as they shared not only a bedroom but also a bed), only ate sweets, and spent 90% of his time either staring at his computer or staring at Light.





	1. Chains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> January 2018 update: I'm going through and editing the story for grammar and some minor content. Nothing too major will be changed, and most content edits will be in the final chapter.

"Is this really necessary, Ryuzaki?" Light was looking down at the long silver chain that extended from his left wrist to Ryuzaki's right. Watari had just locked the cuffs around them and exited the room to place the key in a secure location. Though the cuffs weren't terribly tight, and the chain, while sturdy, wasn't heavy, Light felt like the weight of them was dragging him down to the floor.

Hadn't he proven that he wasn't Kira?

He knew he wasn't. He couldn't be. He had no memory of ever being Kira. He'd been locked up for almost 2 months under constant surveillance, something he'd requested to prove his innocence. And, even though criminals kept dying, Ryuzaki didn't trust him.

Ryuzaki and his damned pride.

Light looked up and his eyes met Ryuzaki's. Large, black, and underlined with the dark shadows of years of sleepless nights, Ryuzaki's eyes has been staring at him, hoping to gauge some reaction, some clue, something to prove that Light  _was_  Kira and that he'd been right all along.

"Yes." Ryuzaki said shortly. "As I've told you before, Light, all you've proven to me is that you are probably not Kira currently. But I still believe that you were Kira, and that you could be again. These can be removed when you finally convince me of your innocence." Ryuzaki had turned his chair back to stare blankly at his computer. He was sitting in his typical crouch, his face mere inches from the screen, and his long fingers idly fidgeted with a sugar cube he had taken from a nearby bowl.

Light sighed, resigned, and sat down in the chair to Ryuzaki's right. Prove his innocence? He'd already gone to extreme measures to do just that. He didn't know what else he could do.

"Don't worry so much Light." Ryuzaki said dully from beside him. "As I've said before, if you really aren't Kira, and never were, that truth will be revealed in time. Would you like some cake?" He asked as Watari re-entered the room, arms laden with a silver tray bearing multiple slices of strawberry cake. 

Light scowled, and replied through clenched teeth. "No, thank you."

"Suit yourself." Ryuzaki said as he grabbed a particularly large piece of cake and started popping strawberries into his mouth, eyes reabsorbed in the computer.

Light turned to his own computer, the metal chain between them clanking as he brought his hands to the keyboard. His scowl deepened.

ooo

The first week of Light's new form of imprisonment went by more slowly than any time he could remember. Slower, even, than his time in solitary confinement. At least during confinement he couldn't see Ryuzaki staring at him.

Life attached to Ryuzaki was something Light didn't think he would ever get accustomed to. Ryuzaki never slept (which Light knew, as they shared not only a bedroom but also a bed), only ate sweets, and spent 90% of his time either staring at his computer or staring at Light. Of course, Light knew, or at least suspected, this much about Ryuzaki's life before they were chained together. But seeing it all firsthand was...disconcerting. He wondered how Ryuzaki was actually able to function as a living, breathing human. He also wondered if Ryuzaki had fully considered the implications of being attached to the person he suspected of being Kira 24/7. If he were Kira, knowing this much intimate information about his enemy could be useful.

But, of course, he wasn't Kira, so that did't matter anyway.

Time moved forward with an ever increasing reluctance. Of all their time spent together, which was  _all_ their time, Light most enjoyed the time they worked with the task force. It was the only time he felt like his life might have some semblance of normalcy, the only time time seemed to move at a normal pace. He enjoyed talking with the other detectives, he relished in the new information about the Kira case as it arose, and he longed for the day that Ryuzaki would accept his innocence and remove the cuffs.

And, of all their time, Light least enjoyed just about everything else. His monitored "dates" with Misa, that Ryuzaki insisted he continue for his own bizarre reasons, were horrible in every imaginable way. Misa would prattle on about useless information related to photo shoots and whatever "funny" thing Matsuda had done that day. She would lean on Light, try to told his hand, occasionally sit on his lap, and all the while Ryuzaki would be staring at them like a child on Christmas morning. The only eventful thing that ever happened during a date was the fight he and Ryuzaki had gotten into. The memory caused his chin to throb.

Then, there was all the time Light and Ryuzaki spent alone together, which was all the time between the task force leaving at night and returning the next morning. Usually, he and Ryuzaki would remain working until at least 2 in the morning, at which time Light would insist on needing sleep and they would walk together to their room. They would awkwardly take turns using the bathroom or showering, and Light would try to fall asleep while Ryuzaki sat on the bed next to him, staring.

He almost wanted to admit to being Kira just to make it stop. He was going crazy.

It was something he'd been thinking about a lot in the past week. Ryuzaki was so convinced that he was Kira, he reminded him of that fact daily. It was annoying, but it also started wearing him down. Ryuzaki was so sure, and, really, when had he ever been wrong before? Light thought about Kira's pattern of killing, his victims, his proclaimed ideals. As much as Light knew that he would never be capable of such actions, it mirrored his way of thinking so closely. By the end of the week, he was starting to doubt his innocence. But the fact still remained that he didn't remember being Kira. And how could someone kill so many people and not remember it?

But he wouldn't admit to anyone that he had doubts about himself. He couldn't let his father think he was a monster. And he wouldn't give Ryuzaki the satisfaction of discussing his fears. He didn't exactly  _hate_  Ryuzaki, but he didn't know how much he liked him. And he certainly didn't want him to think he'd won this battle.

Anyways, the obvious fact was that there was still a real Kira out there and he wanted to know who it was. Then, he would be free, and it would be an unpleasant memory. He would go back to To Oh, and have a normal life. 

It was on the eighth morning that he woke up and felt that something was different. But, in the brain fog that accompanies the early morning he couldn't place it. He lay in bed, silently, unwilling to open his eyes. If he did, Ryuzaki would drag him downstairs at once so they could immediately get to work. It was strange how determined he was to solve the Kira case, given how sure he was of Light's guilt. As much as Light wanted the case solved, he was positive Ryizaki wanted it solved even more.

Finally, it clicked in his brain. The difference. It was too quiet. Every other day he'd woken to the tapping of Ryuzaki's fingers on his keyboard, already hard at work before the sun had even risen. Light was convinced every other morning that Ryuzaki had never even gone to sleep. He hesitantly cracked his eyes, unable to believe that his chain-mate could possibly be asleep, and he immediately wished he had continued to feign sleep.

Ryuzaki was laying down on the bed turned towards Light, his face mere inches away, and his eyes wide and staring. His thumb was running along his bottom lip, slowly pulling it from side to side. He looked almost amazed

"You look so innocent in your sleep." Ryuzaki commented in a bored voice, like their was nothing abnormal about their positioning. "Almost like you might not be Kira."

"I'm not Kira." Light responded angrily, getting up from the bed and pulling Ryuzaki across the room behind him. He could feel a headache forming.

"Of course not." He heard from behind him, and his frown deepened. He entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him as much as the door would allow. Right now, he'd take as much privacy as he could get.

 _Damn Ryuzaki._ Light ran his hands through his hair and glanced up at the mirror. He needed a haircut, he needed to see some sun, and he needed sleep. He could see the shadows of line's rivaling Ryuzaki's beginning to form under his eyes. But after what he woke up to this morning, peaceful sleep seemed unlikely. He quickly prepared himself for the day and composed himself before leaving the bathroom. Ryuzaki didn't look at him (for once) as they descended the stairs to start their new day. 

ooo

It was a few days later that they started to suspect the Yotsuba group of having some connection to Kira. The advantageous killings, favoring Yotsuba, were too much to overlook. Light felt elated, high on a surge of hope. The entire task force worked with a renewed energy, having a concrete place to direct their time and energy. The chain around Light's wrist felt a little less heavy as he allowed himself to consider that this could be his ticket to freedom. Ryuzaki's gaze seemed less penetrating and more curious, as if he was finally allowing himself to consider the possibility that Light may not be Kira. And, for once, Light welcomed his stares, hoping that Ryuzaki might finally be able to see the truth.

Kira was still out there. And he wasn't the same person as the boy chained to his right wrist.

That night was the first time Ryuzaki announced that he was tired before Light. Ryuzaki was the one who led them up the stairs, and Ryuzaki fell in bed without changing, before Light had even finished crossing the room. By the time Light had also prepared himself for bed and joined Ryuzaki, the other man was already fast aleep.

Light lay down next to him and shut his eyes, a small smile playing on his lips.

He woke the next morning and vaguely noticed three things. One: It was quiet again. Two: He was unusually warm, but not entirely uncomfortable. Three: Something smelled almost...sweet. Overall, it was a pleasant way to wake up, and he was content to stay there, his brain not working quite fast enough to question the three differences from his morning routine. He breathed in deeply, taking in the sweet smell again. It wasn't overpowering or sickening, and it was almost spiced like tea.

As he lay there, more sensations started registering in his brain. The warmth he felt also started feeling solid. That was strange. He realized his arm was thrown across the bed, unusual for his mornings. He noticed that his face was pressed against something that didn't quite feel like a pillow. The gears in his brain quit turning as they finally put all the pieces together. His muscles stiffed just as Ryuzaki started to move, causing his leg to rub straight against Light's side.

His eyes flew open as he pushed himself away to the other side of the bed. He could feel his face flush and his heart pound quickly as he prepared himself for whatever Ryuzaki might say in reaction. However, he was greeted with continued silence. His eyes fell on Ryuzaki's restful face, either still in slumber or feigning slumber to spare Light an uncomfortable situation. Light assumed the former. The Ryuzaki he knew wouldn't bat an eye at the thought of Light's discomfort. Light looked at the clock. 7:15. He was amazed that Ryuzaki was still asleep. Usually he had them down and working no later than 6:45. Light wondered whether he should wake him or let him sleep. The task force would be arriving by 8, but Light had also never seen the man sleep before the previous night. He would give him a little more time.

Light settled back on his side of the bed, albeit a little farther away than usual, and let his eyes wander over Ryuzaki's sleeping form. He was on his back, head turned towards Light, arms and legs relaxed. It was very different from his usual crouched stature, and Light thought it made him look both open and vulnerable. In sleep, his features were devoid of their usual calculative nature. He looked peaceful in a way Light had never seen before. The shadows under his eyes were still glaringly obvious, and probably always would be, but he almost looked like he could be a different person.

Ryuzaki shifted, and his lips started moving silently. Light froze again, worried that he had been awake the whole time, but Ryuzaki simply rolled on his side, now fully facing Light, and continued in slumber. And Light continued to watch him, engrossed in his features, suddenly captivated by the man sleeping next to him, and lost track of time. He let his eyes track over Ryuzaki with a freedom they never had before. They trailed down Ryuzaki's face, his dark eyelids, his nose, his lips framing his slightly open mouth. He took in the paleness of Ryuzaki's skin, the skin of someone who spent all their time indoors. His eyes wandered over Ryuzaki's slender fingers, digits usually occupied with typing on his keyboard or playing with some sort of food. They looked strangely empty curled up on the bed. Light felt the urge to reach out and touch them, but resisted, and let his eyes trail back up to his face.

And, of course, Ryuzaki was staring wide-eyed back at him, unblinking, eyebrows slightly raised.

Light almost flinched, but thought back to a few days prior when their positions had been reversed. He cleared his throat softly. "You look very peaceful in your sleep, Ryuzaki. Almost like you aren't trying to convict me."

Ryuzaki stared back at him, expressionless, but his response rang with sincerity. "I'm not trying to convict you, Light."

Light's eyes widened slightly in surprise at Ryuzaki, and a few moment later he allowed himself to be pulled out of bed by the chain connecting their wrists.

"Of course not." He murmured to himself, but he saw Ryuzaki glance back with the ghost of a smile, and despite himself he offered a small smile back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I decided to start a new story! I watched that atrocious Death Note movie on Netflix (and now I'm trying to pretend it was a bad dream). It made me feel the need to rewatch the anime, which I did in like 3 days. And while I was watching it, this story started playing out in my head. I have no idea how long it will be, but I'm so excited to write it! I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter!


	2. Knots

"Matsuda, you idiot," Ryuzaki muttered for at least the 10th time that day. They were back at headquarters after having helped Matsuda escape from the Yotsuba group with the help of spectacular acting by Misa. Light had to admit, he was a little impressed by her cooperation. But, like Ryuzaki said, she  _would_  do anything as long as he was the one who asked it.

It just felt so wrong manipulating her like this. He just wanted to let her go, and be honest about his nonexistent feelings for her.

Matsuda still looked shaken, and he was uncharacteristically quiet. Usually, you couldn't get him to shut up. Light's dad was sitting with him, trying to be a somewhat comforting presence. Light felt a wave of compassion hit him. Soichiro looked up at him and their eyes met, to which Light gave him a brief nod before turning back to his computer. Yes, Matsuda  _was_  an idiot, but they had still gained valuable information. And, now with the possibility of Misa working for them...

Light shook his head. No. That's too dangerous. He needed to make sure she wouldn't become involved with them. Misa had the tendency to be impulsive, and Light worried about what could happen if she got to close to the real Kira.

"Light, I think we should proceed with the possibility of Misa representing the Yotsuba group." Light looked over to him with wide eyes. It was like Ryuzaki had been reading his thoughts, something that had been occurring with disturbing frequency, and had said the one thing that would annoy him most. "I think she would be in minimal danger and I believe she could uncover valuable information that leads us to Kira."

"Oh, Light!" Misa said in excitement, running over to them. "I don't mind, really! I'll do anything to help you catch Kira!"

"No. Misa it's too dangerous." Light walked over to Misa, putting his hands on her shoulders. Her eyes were shining brightly with excitement at the thought of helping the investigation, but he could see their light starting to dim with his words. "We don't know what they are capable of, and I don't want to put you in danger."

"Light, it's sweet how you care so much about me. But this is something I'm going to do. Ryuzaki will help, right?"

She looked at Ryuzaki with her eyes large and pleading and stepped forward to hang herself from his free arm. Ryuzaki blushed slightly before shaking her off and taking a step back. He raised his eyebrows at Light, but Light merely shook his head sternly.  _So impulsive. This is a bad idea._

"Misa, unlike Light, I think you could be very helpful to our investigation." Light opened his mouth to argue, but Ryuzaki continued, cutting him off. "Now, seeing as Matsuda is supposed to be dead, he can no longer be your manager. However, I think Mogi would be appropriate for the job, and he'd be able to protect you should anything happen."

Misa squealed with joy, hanging herself off Ryuzaki's arm and spouting off words of thanks and praise. Light frowned deeply and turned around, angry with the both of them. He didn't say another word for the rest of the night, until they had finally retired to their room. Once again, Ryuzaki has been the one to pronounce his exhaustion, but Light wasn't going to let him collapse on the bed quite so easily this time.

"What the hell, Ryuzaki?" He shouted as soon as the door was closed. Ryuzaki turned slowly and looked at Light blearily. "Misa can't work for them, it's way too dangerous! And she's so impulsive. Think about what could happen if she decided to do something like what Matsuda did tonight!"

"As I've already expressed to you, Light, I strongly believe Misa is the second Kira. Even more than I believe you to be the first."

"Then that's even more of a reason to keep them apart!" Light threw his hands in the air. How could Ryuzaki not see why this idea was to terrible?

Probably his damned pride. Again.

"I disagree." Ryuzaki responded, still calm and unaffected. "If Misa is the second Kira, it's possible that by getting close to the Yotsuba group she will be able to determine who among them is acting as Kira."

Light didn't miss how Ryuzaki had said _acting as_ Kira. "Yes, but what if one of them starts to suspect her of being the second Kira. Think about what they could do to her." Light ran his hands through his hair, angry, and knowing he was about to lose this argument. He didn't want to lose, but he could see Ryuzaki's point. And, as always, Ryuzaki was right. 

Or, at least, almost always. Because Light wasn't Kira. Probably.

"Misa will be under constant surviellance and Mogi will be with her. We will ensure she is always wearing a wire and will keep her to rooms with cameras when at all possible." There was an edge to Ryuzaki's voice now. Light knew the conversation was over. "Now, Light, please, I am very tired and would like to sleep."

Ryuzaki turned and collapsed on the bed, similar to how he had done a few nights prior. He was asleep within seconds. Light remained standing, the chain just long enough to accommodate their distance. It felt heavy again, and the slight tension pulled at Light's wrist. Light turned away, arms crossed, frustrated at Rhyzaki for shutting him off while they were in the middle of an argument. He remained facing away, breathing deeply, hands clenched, until the sound of a quiet snore caught his attention. He uncrossed his arms, sighed, turned back towards the bed, and found himself once again captivated by the appearance of Ryuzaki as he slept. He felt all his anger at the man fade away as he watched. Light could see the toll the Kira case had been taking on him. He could see the thin outline of the man's frame through his shirt. Not quite thin enough to count his ribs, but not terribly far off either. He thought back to their fight the previous week, and pondered how such a slight man had been able to defend himself so easily.

He looked at Ryuzaki's face. His black hair falling over his black eyes, shadows more pronounced than ever. His lips slightly parted in sleep, occasionally moving as he spoke soundlessly in his dreams. Light moved towards the bed, eyes still transfixed, and when he lay down he settled himself slightly closer to Ryuzaki than he normally would. As he fell asleep facing the other man, he noticed something that smelled faintly sweet, almost like spiced tea, and he felt warm.

When Light woke the next morning, the room was silent once more. Not only that, but he realized that he was, yet again, pressed close to Ryuzaki's body. He hesitated to open his eyes, unsure of what awaited him this morning. But, he knew the longer he stayed, the greater the chance that Ryuzaki would also be awake. It would be a miracle if the other man was still sleeping. He breathed in one last time, taking in Ryuzaki's sweet scent, before finally opening his eyes and letting them adjust on Ryuzaki's sleeping face. He exhaled in relief, slowly started removing his hand from where it lay around the man's waist, and slid back to the other side of the bed. He shivered in response to the sudden lack of warmth, but somewhere inside he could feel a small fire burning. 

Light shook his head vigorously. This was not happening again. He stared hard at the ceiling, unmoving, and waited for the feeling to subside. Finally, when he had gathered himself, he looked back over to Ryuzaki, and started slightly when he saw the man staring at him with his typical wide eyes, thumb at his bottom lip. Light tried hard not to stare back.

"Is something wrong, Light? You look very serious." He asked with feigned innocence. Light thought he might be mocking him, and wondered if he'd been awake the whole time after all. He quickly became irritated.

"Other than you wanting to risk Misa's life, everything's fine." Light responded shortly, and swung himself out of bed, suddenly wanting to distance himself from the other man. He heard Ryuzaki hum quietly as they prepared for the day, and ignored the knot that was tightening in his stomach.

ooo

Their days continued in a mundane pattern as they tried in vain to find more details on the men in Yotsuba. The hope Light had started feeling when the first discovered their new lead was fading fast as new information was scarce. He could feel the frustration resonating within all the members of the task force, but none so strongly as with Ryuzaki.

Their evenings and subsequent mornings were continuing in the same pattern as well. Ryuzaki was frequently the first to claim fatigue, and he was actually sleeping almost every night. Light couldn't figure out what caused the sudden switch in his behavior. Maybe he was depressed, he had mentioned something about that before. Or maybe the work he was putting into the case was finally catching up to him. Maybe Ryuzaki was starting to believe that Light wasn't Kira, and was able to relax enough to sleep.

Whatever the reason, Light was waking up pressed against Ryuzaki nearly every morning, and each of those mornings Ryuzaki still appeared to be sleeping while Light untangled their limbs and moved back to his side of the bed. Light's only comfort in the new routine was that he could at least defend himself saying he couldn't control his actions while he slept. 

Misa was due to have her interview with Yotsuba in two days time. Light was apprehensive; he had such a bad feeling about her going for the interview. It was something he couldn't shake. But every time he raised his concerns, Ryuzaki brushed them off and watched him with curious eyes for at least the next hour. Eventually, Light stopped mentioning it.

However, after seeing that one of the Yotsuba members had disappeared, his fears for Misa were brought back to the surface. His father had noticed that there seemed to only be seven members present at the meeting. They'd checked from every angle, but there was no denying it. Only seven, and there should have been eight. Matsuda wanted to believe that maybe the eighth member had some other business to attend do, but in reality, they all knew that wasn't the case.

"Matsuda, don't be naive." His father said sternly. "No one said anything about missing a meeting, and no one has missed one before. Hatori was killed by Kira."

"Well," Ryuzaki replied in his low monotone. "At least this narrows down the suspects by one."

Light glared at him for being so callous about the whole situation. Ryuzaki took notice. "Is something wrong, Light?"

Light balled his hands into fists. "How can you talk so casually about this? You think he was murdered by Kira and you're talking about it like it's nothing!"

"Emotional investment doesn't contribute to my deductive skills. In fact, I'd say it probably decreases them by roughly 12%." Ryuzaki was still looking curiously at Light from his chair where he sat in his typical crouch.

"They've killed one of their own! Don't you see how dangerous they are! We can't send Misa to interview with them! We shouldn't have her involved with this case at all!"

"Oh," Ryuzaki said quietly, his eyes widening with some sudden understanding. "So this is about Misa. Light, as I've told you, Misa may be able to contribute invaluable infor-"

Light cut him off. He'd heard this before, but now the situation was different. "You care more about solving this case than you do about your friends' lives." Light said in an accusatory voice. "You're willing to sacrifice her if it means you can win."

"No, Light. Because I do not believe Misa will be in any danger." Ryuzaki was keeping his voice even, but Light could tell he was struggling to keep himself in check.

"The situation has changed. They are more dangerous than we thought. We can't let her go there, especially if there is any chance she was the second Kira."

Ryuzaki considered this for a moment while he spun a sugar cube between his fingers. "I find it interesting how concerned you are with Misa's safety. I was under the impression that you didn't particularly care for her." He lowered his voice as he continued, "Maybe you are in love with her after all..." He trailed off and started to spin his chair away. Light exploded, drawn to his wit's end by the man he'd been chained to for nearly two weeks.

"Dammit Ryuzaki! Caring about someone's safety and being in love with them are not the same thing! Maybe if you ever cared about anybody in your life you would know the difference." The entire room was staring at him, and Light shoved his hands in his pockets and turned away from them. Most particularly, he turned away from Ryuzaki. The man's eyes made it look like he had almost been hurt by Light's outburst, and Light didn't want to see it. He silently cursed the chain that kept him from leaving the room. Light waited for a response, but for once Ryuzaki was silent. When Light turned back, he was facing the computer again, face as impassive as ever, and he was precisely stacking sugar cubes with his long fingers. Finally, after five minutes, Ryuzaki replied quietly so only Light could hear.

"Misa will be interviewing with them in two days time. I'm sorry that upsets you so deeply."

Light didn't give him the satisfaction of any response, and continued working at his computer as if Ryuzaki hadn't spoken. He knew he was being childish, but he didn't want to argue, because he didn't want to lose. Again.

They worked the rest of the day in uncomfortable silence, and Ryuzaki dismissed the task force earlier than usual. It was nearing 10 o'clock, and they had been alone for nearly three hours. Usually they worked until well past midnight, but Light could tell they would be leaving for their room soon. Neither of them had truly accomplished anything all day, but neither wanted to be the first to admit how affected they were by their earlier argument. Finally, unable to bear the tension, Light finally risked a look at Ryuzaki and found him staring blankly at his computer, hands completely still. After a few seconds, he turned his head to meet Light's eyes.

"There's no point staying down here if we aren't going to work. Let's go upstairs."

Ryuzaki nodded curtly and they both headed for the stairs. Light trailed behind, noticing that Ryuzaki's shoulder seemed slightly more slouched, and that he was shuffling his feet just a little bit more. They entered their room and went about their nighttime routines in complete silence before turning towards the bed. Light sighed, and decided he would be the first to sit down. Ryuzaki remained standing, looking in the direction of the closed window, hands shoved in his pockets. Light almost asked him what his deal was, but instead he slid under the covers and turned out the light on his side of the bed. He lay on his back, hands under his head, and closed his eyes until he finally drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

He wasn't sure how much later it was when Ryuzaki finally came to bed. The sudden weight and movement of the covers pulled Light from his slumber. He noticed in his sleep that he must have rolled on his side, and he was now facing Ryuzaki. He didn't open his eyes, and tried not to breathe too deeply when he noticed Ryuzaki's sweet scent. Hopefully, Ryuzaki wouldn't notice that he'd woken.

Ryuzaki settled himself down, and the room became still and silent again. Apparently he wasn't going to work tonight. Light had almost re-entered sleep when Ruzaki pulled him from from it yet again. Light felt Ryizaki's cool fingers brush a strand of hair from his face, and fought hard to resist the shiver that ran down his spine. And he heard Ryuzaki mutter something quietly under his breath in a low voice.

"Is this what it's like to care about somebody?"

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is just flying out. I'm having so much fun writing it. I love L, and writing for him is just...wonderful. I hope I'm doing his character justice.
> 
> There might not be another update until next weekend. I have a fairly new job, and it's been consuming a lot of my time while I adjust to everything.
> 
> Again, I hope you all enjoyed the update!


	3. Jolts

Light woke once again to the increasingly familiar sensations caused by Ryuzaki's proximity. He didn't know when it had happened, but somehow waking up next to Ryuzaki, their legs tangled together, bodies close, Light's nose buried in his hair, had become his new normal. Normally, Light would carefully disentangle their bodies and move to his own side, as if he'd been there the entire night, but this morning something was holding him in his spot. He wracked his brain, trying to remember what it was. Something had happened...but he couldn't think. Not with Ryuzaki's warm body under his fingers, not when Light could feel his heartbeat and count his even breaths, and not when his scent was overpowering Light's mind.

Light hated to admit it, and he never would out loud. He tried to push the thought away, but he couldn't. Ryuzaki was  _intoxicating_.

His fingers tightened on his shirt, hand forming a tight ball over Ryuzaki's heart as he inhaled deeply one final time before moving away. He released his breath and relaxed his hand slowly, eye's opening and adjusting to the now familiar surroundings.

"Good morning, Light."

Light stopped breathing as his heart started racing. His entire body tensed, and he found he couldn't move.

 _Shit_.

How was he supposed to react? Could he feign sleep, claiming that he had been asleep until Ryuzaki had spoken his name? He knew the excuse was feeble, and it wouldn't be believed, but he didn't really see any other option.

Still, despite having been caught, Light felt a depressing reluctance to move his body away, and he hoped his actions didn't betray him.

"I'm sorry Ryuzaki. I must have moved over to your side in my sleep." Light kept his eyes down as he moved away and sat up on his side of the bed. When he finally glanced up, Ryuzaki's expression was unreadable.

"I see. Well, it's no problem. We really should be getting to work now. Misa has her interview tomorrow and we need to be sure she's ready." Ryuzaki had turned away from Light and was sitting with his feet on the floor, preparing to get out of bed. He was trying to keep his voice even, to not betray emotion, but Light could hear some hesitancy in his words.

He didn't want to start another fight. And strangely enough, Light found he didn't want to fight either. He still couldn't shake the feeling that something had happened, and he was distracted trying to remember what it was.

"Right," Light replied simply, and he followed Ryuzaki out of the bed. They prepared for their day in silence, Light's eyes continuously flicking to Ryuzaki only to find him averting his gaze. The feeling grew stronger. Since when did Ryuzaki  _avoid_  looking at him? It couldn't still be from their fight yesterday. Ryuzaki wasn't the type of person to dwell on something like that.

They were almost ready to go. Ryuzaki was slouching by the door, barefoot, twiddling his toes with his hands in his pockets, looking around the room impatiently. Light was putting on his last shoe, which Ryuzaki obviously didn't have the patience for today. He finished, and as he stood up too quickly, ready to just get out of the room, he lost his balance and crashed back down to the floor hitting his shoulder, hard.

"Dammit." He hissed, rolling off his should and onto his back. His eyes were tightly shut, and he reached up with his good arm to hold his throbbing shoulder.

"Light." Ryuzaki said, somewhat louder than normal, but his voice seemed to lack a normal amount of concern. Light heard his feet shuffle closer. "Are you alright? Would you like me to call Watari to look at that?"

Light opened his eyes and found Ryuzaki crouched over him, hair hanging around his face. His arm was reaching toward Light's shoulder tentatively. He may have kept it from his voice, but Light could see the concern on Ryuzaki's face.

He removed his hand and used it to push himself up slowly. He experimentally rolled his sore shoulder and, while it hurt, he could tell it wasn't a critical injury. He shook his head. "No, I'll be fine. It's not hurt too badly."

"Good, then let's not waste anymore time." Ryuzaki moved away from Light and returned to his standing position. He started to turn towards the door, but hesitated, and turned back with his hand stretched out. "Don't fall down this time."

Light looked from Ryuzaki's hand to his face, which has resumed it's typical bored expression. He sat for a second longer before reaching out with his uninjured hand and grabbing hold of Ryuzaki, feeling a jolt in his stomach as they touched. He allowed himself to be pulled to his feet with a quiet "Thanks."

He steadied himself, and released his grip of Ryuzaki's hand. The other man took a second longer to follow suit, and swept his thumb quickly over the back of Light's hand before letting go. Light felt another jolt, and his eyes widened slightly as he looked up at Ryuzaki again, their eyes meeting. He remembered now, and he could hear Ryuzaki's soft voice ringing in his head.

" _Is this what it's like to care about somebody?"_

Ryuzaki turned away, slouching his way out the door towards the stairs. Light allowed himself to be dragged along behind, hardly feeling the pull at his wrist. He remembered the touch of Ryuzaki's cool fingers brushing a stray hair from his face, and the shiver he repressed the night before ran down his spine. He could still feel the back of his hand tingling from where Ryuzaki's thumb had brushed it moments earlier. He felt a harder tug at his wrist, and looked down, noticing the chain had run out of length. Light had stopped walking.

Ryuzaki was watching him curiously. "Is everything okay Light? Is it your shoulder?"

Light blinked, trying to clear his mind. "No, sorry. I thought I forgot something." His lie was transparent, but it was the best he could do at the moment.

"Oh. Well do we need to-"

"No it's fine. I didn't forget anything. Let's go." Light started moving forward again, brushing past Ryuzaki to take the lead down the stairs. On the way past, Light kept his gaze down, and intentionally held his breath.

_He...cares about me?_

ooo

Misa returned from her interview safely, and she was currently bouncing around the room in excitement at having been selected for their advertisements. Light couldn't tell if she was more excited because she felt useful or because she would be modeling for them. He almost felt bad knowing that, if it were the former, her excitement was about to end. He also couldn't help but think that she was acting a little strangely, but no one else seemed to notice, so he kept that observation to himself.

"And now it will be so much easier for me to infiltrate Yostuba so-"

"Actually Misa," Light interjected. She looked at him, both annoyed at being cut off and confused. "While you were at the interview, we decided that infiltrating Yotsuba won't be necessary anymore. We're going to be using a different plan."

Misa's pout was more pronounced than Light had ever seen.

"No way!" She exclaimed. "I want to help you catch Kira!" She rounded on Ryuzaki, who pretended not to notice. "Ryuzaki!"

He sighed and slowly lifted his gaze to Misa as she stormed towards him. "Why is Light saying that I can't help you anymore. I thought you wanted me to help catch Kira? And now that they've said I can do their ads, I'll be able to find out so much information!"

Ryuzaki's gaze flicked to Light in annoyance, and Light felt incredibly smug. It may have happened later than he wanted, but Ryuzaki had finally decided against using Misa as a pawn. Honestly, he was proud of himself. Getting that stubborn detective to change his mind had been no easy feat. Without the help of the rest of the task force, he knew he still would have lost.

"I don't want to get into the specifics," Ryuzaki started, eyes slowly moving back towards Misa. "But we simply decided to try and catch Kira in a different way."

"You'll still be able to model for them." Light added, hoping it might lift her spirits. "We just decided that we couldn't put you so much as risk. You're...too...important for that." Light tried to sound sincere, but he knew the words came out sounding as hollow as they felt. Misa, however, didn't seem to notice.

"Oh, Light. Ok, well, if you think it's not safe then I wont do it. I wouldn't want you to worry about me." She came up to Light and grabbed his arm. He winced, as it was still slightly sore from the day before. "Light, you're so sweet. I can't wait until you're free so we can go on some real dates." She stuck her tongue out at Ryuzaki who didn't notice, as he had turned back to his computer screen looking immensely frustrated. Then, before Light could shake her off, she quickly gave some excuse about being tired and hurried out the door.

She was definitely acting strange. His eye's met Ryuzaki's, and he knew the other man had also noticed, and was thinking the same thing.

ooo

"Ryuzaki, I've told you this before. I'm not interested in Misa. You're the one who made us keep her around, I just wanted to tell her the truth and let her leave."

They were back in their room, and it was nearing 3 in the morning. Now that they were't going to use Misa to infiltrate Yotsuba, they had a lot of work to do.

"Yes, I suppose you're right. But still, she is awfully cute, don't you think? There wouldn't be anything wrong with you wanting to date her." Ryuzaki studied him intently, trying to gauge his reaction. "Although, I suppose there is the small snag of her being the second Kira."

Light didn't know what to make of their conversation. How exactly had they gotten onto this subject again? He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck, causing the chain between them to pull at both their wrists.  _Cute?_ Yeah, he supposed she was cute. Most guys would think she was very attractive. But Light had never seen her that way. He lifted his eyes back to Ryuzaki, who was now looking steadily at the floor.

"I don't know what to tell you, Ryuzaki. She just...isn't my type." The honestly in his voice was almost startling. Ryuzaki's dark eyes lifted back up to meet Light's, and Light swallowed.  _She's definitely not my type._

"I see," Ryuzaki muttered, not commenting on Light's lack of response to his accusation of Misa. They were quiet for a moment. Or, many moments. Until the silence started to grow awkward. 

"In any case," Ryuzaki said, his voice taking on a professional tone. "I still don't think it's appropriate to let Misa go. She will still be working for Yotsuba and, even though we are changing our plan, you never know what she could overhear."

"Right," Light responded, sitting on the bed and slipping under the covers. He felt Ryuzaki's weight on the other side of the bed, but the other man didn't look like he would be sleeping tonight.

He hadn't slept last night either. And Light had woken up to the bed feeling incredibly cold and empty while Ryuzaki worked in a nearby chair. Light wondered if Ryuzaki had been more bothered than he let on by their proximity the other morning.

Light turned off the lamp and settled himself down, putting his hands behind his head and staring at the ceiling. The sound of Ryuzaki's fingers tapping on his keyboard was unusually annoying to Light tonight, and unusually loud. Light sighed.

"I wonder, Ryuzaki, how your sleeping habits effect your deductive skills."

The typing stopped, and Light tilted his head to see Ryuzaki bring his thumb to bis bottom lip. He considered it for a moment, and without a word set his laptop aside and lay down on the bed.

"Generally, sleep improves my deductive abilities by approximately 25%."

Light smiled to himself in the dark, and rolled on his side to face his bed partner.

"Generally?"

Ryuzaki was on his back. It was hard to see in the dark, but Light thought his eyes were open and staring at the ceiling.

"Yes. However, sleeping with you seems to improve them less so." Light thought he saw Ryuzaki smile to himself. "Maybe only 13%." 

Light paused, unsure of what to say. Was Ryuzaki saying that he  _was_ bothered by sharing a bed with Light? Or was he saying something else? It wasn't a subject he wanted to broach, so he settled with "Better than nothing."

Ryuzaki hummed quietly in reply. Light's eyes has adjusted now, and he could see that Ryuzaki's eyes were actually closed, but he didn't believe him to actually be asleep yet. His body urged him to move closer, craving the warmth he had been lacking this morning, but he resisted. Instead, he fell asleep hoping it would be there when he woke.

Instead, he woke to something quite different.

When he woke up, their usual positions were reversed. Ryuzaki's head was on Light's shoulder, his torso pressed into Light's side, arm thrown over Light's chest, and Light's arm was wrapped around his back.

And when Ryuzaki shifted gently in his sleep, his cheek moving along Light's shoulder and fingers grazing him through his shirt, Light's breathing hitched and his heart raced.

At least, he hoped Ryuzaki was still asleep and not trying to put him through some sort of test. Though, honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if that were the case.

Light lay still trying to relax and calm his body's reaction. He breathed deeply and counted his breaths, but each breath came with the sweet smell of the man on top of him, and that complicated things. His fingers, resting on Ryuzaki's back, were itching to grab him tighter, pull him closer. His free arm, laying uselessly by his side, was almost twitching with the desire to trace lines up and down Ryuzaki's arm. His lips were burning to press themselves into Ryuzaki's hair.

Light didn't think he would survive this with his dignity intact.

" _Is this what it's like to care about somebody?"_

Ryuzaki's words floated through his mind. Light could hear them, plain as day, but he was also nearly convinced he'd heard them in a dream. It just didn't seem possible. Ryuzaki thought he was Kira, and a small part of Light knew Ryuzaki was probably right.

But, how could he care about someone he thought to be a mass murderer?

And if Light was Kira, how could he care about the man determined to catch him in return?

Because Light knew there was no point in trying to deny it. He didn't know how it had happened, but he had grown to care deeply about the man sleeping on his chest. And maybe that's why he could hear those words in his head. Maybe he had dreamed them because they were words he wanted to hear.

He continued to lay there in silence, savoring the moments until Ryuzaki would wake up. He didn't know what to expect once that happened. But he didn't have to wait long.

"Good morning, Light."

Ryuzaki's soft voice drew Light from his state of contentment. Light felt a slight pressure where Ryuzaki's hand gently squeezed Light's side.

_This is exactly like the other morning. I wonder if he's just messing with me._

"Good morning, Ryuzaki," Light replied, just as softly, his voice sounding slightly choked. He prepared himself for the emptiness that would follow Ryuzaki pulling himself away.

But he didn't. Ryuzaki made no attempt to distance himself from Light's body. Instead, if anything, he brought himself closer. And Light didn't know what to think about it.

But then, Light decided he didn't want to think. That's all he'd been doing since he joined the Kira investigation. He was tired of thinking. This time, he just wanted to feel something.

"Ryuzaki," he said quietly. His voice sounded somewhat weak.

"Hmm?" The other man hummed, but did not lift his head. Instead, he started moving his fingers gently over Light's chest. It made Light's skin feel like it was on fire, everywhere that his long fingers traced. He breathed in deeply, and tried again.

"Ryuzaki," he said again, his voice sounding stern.  _Shit, that sounded angry_.

Ryuzaki's hand stopped, and Light could feel his body tense again his own. He started to lift his hand away.

"I'm sorry," He said, sounding truly mortified.

Light caught his hand, and used his other arm to hold Ryuzaki securely in place. He set Ryuzaki's hand back on his chest, and placed his own on the man's arm.

"Don't be."

And he tilted his had down, breathed in deeply, and pressed his lips against Ryuzaki's black hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Sorry this update took a little longer. I got sick last weekend and just didn't feel like writing. I hope you all enjoy the update! Also, this fic may end up having like 7 chapters instead of 5 as I'd originally planned, but I can't say for sure just yet.  
> And thanks to everyone who has commented, given kudos, etc.! I appreciate everyone's feedback.  
> I'm hoping to have the next chapter out next weekend, so stay tuned!


	4. Truths

"So, this just proves that Higuchi is Kira!"

Light was gaping at Misa, and he could see the other members of the task force wearing similar expressions. Even Ryuzaki's face, for the moment, was frozen in a state of complete shock.

He  _knew_  getting Misa involved had been a bad idea. He'd warned Ryuzaki about her impulsiveness, and that she could be reckless. If they had just removed her from the investigation when he first suggested it, this wouldn't have happened. Now that Higuchi thought Misa was the second Kira, she would be in more danger than before. He clenched his fists by his side, grinding his teeth.

"Misa," he started softly. She looked up at him with her eyes wide and hopeful, obviously proud of what she had accomplished. And, Light had to admit, it wasn't like the information was useless, but he wished they had gotten it in a different way.  _No, this isn't her fault._

He rounded on Mogi. "Mogi, how the hell did you let this happen?! You were supposed to stay by her side and make sure she...well...make sure she didn't do this!"

Mogi shrunk back slightly, and he looked pointedly at his feet. "She switched places with a friend in the bathroom. It's not like I could follow her in there."

"Oh, Light, please don't be mad at Mogi! It's not his fault I snuck away." Misa's voice trembled, and Light took a deep breath.

"I think what Light is trying to say is 'thank you' but please don't ever do something that stupid again. We already have Matsuda for that." Ryuzaki spoke up with a dull voice, not turning away from his computer. Light watched as his long fingers delicately crushed a cookie into a pile of crumbs, and he became absorbed with their movement. He was aware that the conversation was continuing without his involvement, but Ryuzaki's hands had taken all of his attention. He still remembered the sensation of those fingers running lazy trails over his chest.

Light realized his staring was getting too obvious when Ryuzaki finally looked up at him with a sly smile. He felt his mouth run dry.

Soichiro's voice finally pulled Light back to the situation at hand. "Misa, the information you found for us is very useful. Like Ryuzaki said, if criminals truly do stop dying then we will have enough evidence. But for now, I think it's time for you to leave."

"No." Ryuzaki said suddenly, and a good bit louder than his typical mundane tone. At once, he had the entire room's attention. "No, Misa, I would like you to stay a little longer. Just give me a moment." He flicked his eyes back up to Light briefly before lowering them in concentration.

Everyone remained silent, waiting for Ryuzaki to come up with a plan that accounted for this new development. He sat on his chair in his typical crouch, but his hands remained still on his knees and his eyes were glued to his computer screen. But, it didn't take him long, almost like he'd been expecting for something like this to happen.

"Wendy, you will install surveillance in each of Higuchi's cars, and, if possible, his house. I know you've said his security is extremely high-tech, but I want you to do whatever you can."

Wendy nodded silently, and Ryuzaki continued without so much as sparing her a glance. "Light, Misa, do either of you remember killing anyone?" He shot at them. Light took a small step back and he heard his father make a sound of discontent from across the room.

"What?!" Light and Misa responded in unison. Light wondered where he was going with this. "No, Ryuzaki, I've told you before I don't remember killing anyone."

"Me either," Misa added from nearby.

"I have a theory. I want you both to listen and please don't interrupt me." Ryuzaki waited for them to agree. They both nodded, and Light felt a sinking sensation in his stomach. Ryuzaki gave him a look that could almost have been pity, and Light braced himself for what was coming.

"Light, you used to be Kira. However, at some point, seemingly during your detainment, those powers, as well as all memories of those powers, transferred from you to someone else. We believe that person to be Higuchi. So, the question is whether or not it was your decision to give Kira's powers to someone else. Either you elected to get rid of them, or they simply left you for some other reason. But, if I had to guess-"

"It would have been my decision." Light interjected, and he heard a quiet gasp from his father across the room. His voice sounded hollow and weak. He was desperately trying to keep himself from shaking as the words he knew to be true spilled from Ryuzaki's mouth.

"Yes. Exactly. And as for you Misa, there is no doubt in my mind that you were the second Kira. As we have no evidence to suggest that more than one Kira exists at the moment, we cannot say what happened to your powers. For all we know, you still have them, and you are simply an exceptional actress. However, that is very unlikely."

Misa frowned, ready to defend her acting abilities, but Ryuzaki continued.

"I have a plan that will allow us to catch Higuchi in a situation where he will not be able to pass his powers to anyone else." His face suddenly lit up in a mischievous smile as he looked somewhere over Light's shoulder. "Matsuda, how would you like to be on TV?"

ooo

"So, you really think I am Kira?" Light asked softly. They were alone in their room, sitting facing away from each other on their respective sides of the bed.

"I'm not sure how to answer that." Ryuzkai responded slowly. "As I've said, I am certain that you used to be Kira. I don't see any other possibility. But, I do not believe that you are currently Kira. Probably. It is very unlikely, at the very least."

They both returned to silence. Light felt like he was choking on the next words he needed to say, but he didn't know how to say them.

"Ryuzaki," Light started. But he hesitated, worried that his voice would fail him.

"Yes Light?" Ryuzaki responded curiously. The bed moved as he turned to face Light fully, and Light could tell he was both intrigued and concerned. Light remained facing away.

"If I chose to have the power leave me, I'm positive I would have done it with the intention of eventually getting them back." Light spoke looking at the floor, unable to meet Ryuzaki's eyes. But he could feel the other man staring at him.

"I agree. The only questions are how that power will be returned to you and when. I'm also curious to know if returning the power would also return the memories of when you had been Kira previously."

Light nodded slowly, his body feeling numb.

"Ryuzaki," Light said again. Ryuzaki didn't respond, but Light knew he was listening. Light's mind raced, trying to think of the right way to express himself.  _Why do you care about me? How can you stand being near me? How can I live with myself, thinking that I killed all those people? That I'm capable of mass murder._ Ultimately, he couldn't bring himself to ask those questions. Not right now. But Ryuzaki was still waiting, and Light needed to say something.

"Ryuzaki," Light said yet again. "I don't want to be Kira." He could feel tears stinging at his eyes, and he reached up to rub them away. He felt a pressure on his shoulder from Ryuzaki's hand urging him to turn around and he complied. They now sat facing each other on the bed, Ryuzaki crouched and Light with his legs crossed. Light slowly raised his eyes to find Ryuzaki staring at him with a look Light had ever seen before.

"Then don't be." Ryuzaki responded simply. Light's eyes widened. They sat for a second longer, before Light felt his body moving forward. He transitioned onto his knees and reached his arms out to grab Ryuzaki's shoulders.

 _Don't be Kira._ Was it really that simple? Maybe it was. But then, if he was Kira, he'd already done so many horrible things. Things that couldn't be taken back.

Light stared hard into Ryuzaki's eyes. He didn't know what the reason could possibly be. He didn't know how Ryuzaki could trust him enough to be on the task force or to be alone with him. He didn't know how Ryuzaki could sit here with him like this if he believed Light was a mass murderer who wanted him dead. He didn't know how the man could lay casually on his shoulder tracing his chest, letting Light press his lips into his hair.

He didn't know how Ryuzaki could  _care_ about him. Knowing that he had probably been Kira, he was barely able to care about himself.

But right now, all that mattered was that, for some reason, he did.

As Light drew closer, he could see the mixture of astonishment and apprehension on Ryuzaki's face. He paused, a few inches away from the other man's face, giving him the chance to back away. But Ryuzaki stayed immobile, and his eyes trailed from Light's eyes down to his lips. Light briefly pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, working up the courage to close the distance. But, he didn't need to.

Ryuzaki closed the distance for him.

He wasn't insistent, and he pressed his lips against Light's with a cautious curiosity, but Light could sense a feeling of urgency that was thinly veiled. And, as careful as it was, it set his body on fire.

Ryuzaki pulled away too quickly, drawing his face back enough to look clearly into Light's eyes. His face was void of it's normal bored expression; blatant excitement clearly overtaking all of his features. Light found the difference startling, but not unwelcome. Ryuzaki opened his mouth, as if to speak, and Light's eyes quickly moved down towards his lips.

This time, Light closed the distance, and he didn't hold back.

He kissed Ryuzaki with an urgency that neither of them had been expecting. One of his hands threaded itself into Ryuzaki's dark mass of hair, while the other moved to gently hold his face. When he ran his thumb down his jawline he heard Ryuzaki moan quietly in response, which only caused him to draw their bodies closer. His fingers tightened in Ryuzaki's hair, and Ryuzaki's own hands started to cautiously run themselves up Light's arms. He shivered in response, letting out a quiet sound of his own. He moved his lips to Ryuzaki's jaw and started slowly trailing them down Ryuzaki's neck, which caused the other man's breathing to quicken. Light briefly worried that he might hyperventilate, but then Ryuzaki guided Light back up and crashed their lips together again.

Light didn't flinch when it caused their teeth to gently clash, and countered by running his tongue along Ryuzaki's lower lip. He could feel the man shudder under his fingers, and allowed a small smile to pull at his lips. But then, suddenly, he felt the other man tense.

"Light," Ryuzaki said in an incredibly strained yet breathless voice. He put his hands on Light's shoulders, pushing himself away, and Light let his hand relax in his hair, but did not draw away completely. Ryuzaki's face was flushed and his eyes were bright. "Light, I..." He trailed off, casting his gaze down to the side, and bringing his thumb up to his swollen lower lip. Light removed his hands from Ryuzaki's hair and settled himself on his side of the bed. He could feel nerves clawing at his gut, completely unsure of what could be coming.

It took over 3 minutes for Ryuzaki to finally look up. He had managed to mask his expression, but Light could see that his eyes were still burning in a way that almost looked pained. When he still hesitated to speak, Light slowly reached out and gently took one of Ryuzaki's hands, thankful when he didn't pull away. He heard Ryuzaki exhale slowly, then take in another deep breath.

"Let's go to sleep."

Light blinked. That wasn't what he expected, so it took him a few seconds to gather his thoughts.

"That's not what you wanted to tell me." Light said sharply, retracting his hand and placing it back on his lap.

"No, it isn't," Ryuzaki agreed, knowing there was no point in denying it. Before Light could press him again, he continued. "I was thinking that, if you were still Kira, kissing me would be a rather unorthodox, though apparently effective, way of trying to prove your innocence."

"So you do still think I'm Kira," Light stated. He eyes felt drawn to the chain where it lay relaxed between them. Of course Ryuzaki still thought he was Kira. If he didn't, the cuffs would have come off, and Light would be free. He reached over with his other hand and rubbed at his cuffed wrist, suddenly feeling like it was digging into his skin.

"No." Ryuzaki corrected. Light didn't look up. "I think you could be Kira. But it's unlikely, only a-"

"Don't." Light hissed through his teeth. He felt rage flare inside him and could barely keep himself from punching Ryuzaki's face. "Don't give me your stupid statistics."

Ryuzaki didn't respond, and they remained sitting in silence. Light counted his breaths, trying to clear his thoughts. He didn't want to have this conversation right now. In fact, it was the very last thing he wanted.

"You kissed me." Light said, breaking the silence. Ryuzaki looked surprised, apparently that hadn't been what he was expecting.

"Yes," Ryuzaki replied in a measured voice. Light considered his next words.

"Kiss me again."

He said it like a dare, and maybe it was. Because, would Ryuzaki dare to kiss him again?

Ryuzaki stared at him for so long that Light almost thought he wouldn't. But then he moved forward with none of his earlier hesitation and pressed himself hungrily against Light's mouth. Light responded by grabbing his shoulders, digging his fingers in, and pulling him close. They remained, mouths glued together, until Light finally pulled away, breathing heavily.

He looked up at Ryuzaki, and waited until the other man met his gaze. "I'm not Kira," Light growled, staring hard into Ryuzaki's eyes, hoping he would be able to see the honesty in them. Light didn't know what he'd been before, but he knew that, right now, he was only Light Yagami.

"No. You're not." Ryuzaki's voice was soft, and even though Light was mere inches away he still could barely hear it. Light looked at Ryuzaki a moment longer before releasing his shoulders and moving towards his side of the bed, feeling a ball of hurt forming fast in his stomach.

Ryuzaki had turned away, and remained quiet as he wordlessly slid under the covers, resisting the urge to curl in on himself, hearing Ryuzaki's unsaid words repeating in his head.

_Not right now. Not yet._

ooo

Light could feel the adrenaline coursing through his body, like electricity was buzzing through all his nerves.

They were closing in on Higuchi. The police nearly had him surrounded, soon he would have no choice but to surrender.

He could hardly believe how flawlessly their plan had worked. Higuchi had fallen perfectly for their trap, taking the bait with seemingly no hesitation. Light glanced sideways at Ryuzaki, leaning forward in his chair and brow furrowed in concentration. Light had never seen him look so on edge. He looked forward again, and smiled triumphantly as Higuchi's far finally came to a stop.

" _Yes_ ," He said quietly, glancing at Ryuzaki again. He found the other man watching him intently, but Light's expression was not mirrored on his face. Instead, Ryuzaki looked worried. Before Light could ask, he turned back to the front, giving orders to the police and task force about how to proceed.

Light watched on feeling elated, and free in a way he hadn't felt in months. They were going to catch Kira, they would find out how he killed people, and then, hopefully, he would finally be found innocent. Maybe they would even find out that he never had been Kira. Maybe it had been Higuchi all along, or maybe he knew who his predecessor was. It would all be over soon.

He heard his dad scream, and his attention focused back to the matter at hand. His dad was kneeling on the ground, holding a notebook, and staring at some point a few feet above him with a look of absolute horror on it.

"Monster!" His dad shouted, and Light leaned forward in his seat.

"Dad! Dad, what's going on?"

Soichiro didn't answer, and was approached by members of the task force. Mogi knelt by his side and said something Light couldn't hear. He looked towards the empty sky, where Soichiro was still staring in open-mouthed shock. He reached for the notebook held loosely in his hand, eyes widening in a similar horror the second his fingers grazed the cover.

"What...What the hell are you?!" He yelled, pulling his gun and firing a shot into the air.

"Bring me the notebook! Now!" Ryuzaki ordered from next to him. Light looked at him.

"The notebook..."

"As soon as Mogi touched the notebook he could see whatever terrified your father. I think it is what holds Kira's power." Ryuzaki responded without looking at him. Mogi stood unsteadily and began taking slow steps toward the helicopter. "Mogi!" Ryuzaki shouted again, his voice almost sounding panicked. Mogi quickened his pace, and was soon passing the notebook into Ryuzaki's long fingers.

Once it was firmly in his hands, Ryuzaki gazed down at the notebook, turning it over in his hands and holding it up in front of him. Light saw him mouth words quietly to himself, but from the angle he couldn't make anything out. He saw Ryuzaki's eyes lift from the notebook to some point in the distance, and he saw Ryuzaki's eyes widen and his mouth drop open in shock. The notebook slipped slightly from his fingers, but it didn't fall.

"It can't be...a...shinigami?" Ryuzaki said in a hushed voice. Light was getting annoyed.

"Ryuzaki, let me see that!" He said impatiently, and reached forward to grab the notebook from Ryuzaki's fingers. He didn't see the fear that flashed in Ryuzaki's eyes, and he didn't hear the curse that was muttered when Ryuzaki realized he wouldn't be able to stop Light from touching the notebook.

Light took it from Ryuzaki and turned it over to read the cover.  _Death Note._

And then, in an instantaneous rush, Light remembered.

And Light screamed.

It was too much. Too much for his brain to register at once.  _He was Kira_. This had been his plan all along. And...it had worked.

The flood of memories made his mind spin, his body shake. His stomach was churning, and he felt sure he was going to vomit. But he couldn't do that, he needed to pull himself together. Light clenched his teeth shut, breathing hard through his nose.

 _L is here._   _Don't give yourself away._

He tried to rearrange his features to mimic the shock on everyone's faces, but he knew it was a second too late. When he looked over, Ryuzaki was looking at him with a mix of concern and...sadness?

"Are you alright, Light? I suppose seeing a monster like that would surprise anyone." Ryuzaki was obviously trying to keep his voice from betraying his emotions.

"Yeah," Light responded. "I don't know what I was expecting but...that thing..." He trailed off, hoping he sounded enough like the old Light to not raise more suspicion.

Ryuzaki nodded and turned his attention back to Rem and Higuchi. Light fought hard to conceal a grin.

He'd won.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaack! I feel like this chapter went a little all over the place, but I wanted to get the story moving forward and get Light his memories back. There will probably be 2 more chapters after this one, but that is subject to change. It will be at least 2, but it could be more. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you all liked the update! Thanks to everyone who has left feedback, I really appreciate it so much! You are all wonderful.


	5. Choices

"Thirteen days..." Ryuzaki muttered to himself under his breath for the ninth time in the past half hour. Light knew, because he had been keeping track. Apparently, that "rule" more than any other was giving Ryuzaki pause. But, it only made sense. Ryuzaki had so firmly believed that Light had been Kira, and Misa the second Kira, that a sudden change to this belief would be understandably hard to accept.

Light spared a sideways glance at Ryuzaki and found him much like he always was, hunched in his chair, knees drawn up, stacking empty creamer cups with annoying precision. He added the final cup to the top and let his hands drift down to the arms of the chair. The room was silent, save the quiet sound of the chain as it gently landed on the floor. Light narrowed his eyes at it.

Ryuzaki still hadn't unchained them. The bastard.

He looked up, to find Ryuzaki studying him, his expression both curious and sad. The look made Light's stomach squirm, and he tried to keep his face impassive. He couldn't stop cursing himself for how he had been acting around Ryuzaki when he didn't have his memories. He'd been stupid, impulsive, and unguarded, and he'd let himself get too...involved with Ryuzaki. Getting everything to work according to his plan was tricky enough, and now this was thrown into the mix. He and Ryuzaki had grown far too close, and Light wasn't sure he would be able to keep up his act. He was sure he was going to give himself away...if he hadn't already. Ryuzaki looked down at the floor, at the chain where it was pooled in front of his chair. Light saw him breathe in deeply, and when he looked up his eyes were trained on Rem.

Rem, so far, had been playing her part well. She hadn't let anything slip that Ryuzaki or the others on the task force would find incriminating. Light hadn't even needed to say anything. Rem knew that giving away the wrong information could mean Misa was convicted, tried, and even executed. Light knew she would do everything in her power to keep his secret, because it was the only thing keeping Misa safe.

"You there...Shinigami!" Ryuzaki called across the room.

"Yes," She responded. Light thought she sounded very tired.

"These Death Notes...does more than one exist? And if so, would they all have the same rules?"

"What are you getting at Ryuzaki?" Light heard his father ask, his voice sharper than he would usually use when addressing L. Soichiro had been so relieved when they had read through the rules of the Death Note. Light had been able to see months of tension and stress drain from his body. Now, as he looked at his father, he saw it start to seep back in.

Ryuzaki ignored him, and stared straight at Rem waiting for her response.

"More than one Death Note exists, and they are all bound by the same rules, but I cannot say whether or not more than one is in the human world. I can only tell you the whereabouts of the Death Notes that I own. One of them is with me, and the other is in your possession."

Light allowed himself a small smirk. That answer should satisfy Ryuzaki. He quickly rearranged his expression to mild interest when he realized Ryuzaki was spinning back around towards him. He brought his thumb up to it's typical position on his lower lip. Light was surprised when the action caused his stomach to do a small flip and his heart to stutter. He quickly averted his eyes, and cursed himself again. He did not care about Ryuzaki.

He was going to kill him.

When Light looked back, Ryuzaki was once again studying the chain. So far, neither of them had mentioned it. Light didn't want to seem too eager or insistent, but he knew something would have to be said soon.

"I think..." Matsuda's voice sounded timidly from nearby. "I think we have to agree that Light and Misa are innocent." He paused while everyone in the room turned to look at him, and shifted his feet nervously. "All the evidence we have suggests that they never had anything to do with Kira. Ryuzaki, I know it's hard to accept, but you can't keep Light chained to you forever!"

Light felt a sudden wave of affection for Matsuda that he'd never experienced before. Maybe he wasn't always a complete idiot. He shot him a grateful glance with the hint of a smile, and Matsuda returned it instantly. Beside him, Light heard Ryuzaki whisper something to himself before speaking more clearly.

"Don't let this go to your head, Matsuda, but you're right. I suppose I need to accept that I was wrong to suspect them, and let them go." He signed, somewhat dramatically, before continuing. "Watari, would you please go fetch the keys?" Ryuzaki's voice sounded hollow, detached. It made Light shift uncomfortably in his seat.

Watari gave a small nod, and retreated briskly from the room.

"Mogi, please call Misa Amane and let her know that she is no longer a suspect. She is also no longer involved in the investigation, and will not be allowed to enter task force headquarters. Tell her that I sincerely apologize for everything, and wish her luck."

Mogi nodded, and turned to follow Watari out of the room.

"Light," Ryuzaki started. He was staring at his computer screen, determinedly avoiding Light's gaze. Light saw him swallow hard before continuing. "Light, as soon as Watari returns you will be free to leave if you wish. However, now that you are cleared of all suspicion, if you would like..."

"I want to stay and help finish the investigation. I'm too invested to just quit on you now." Light put as much conviction in his voice as he could, knowing his other self wanted nothing more than to finally put an end to the case.

Ryuzaki finally looked over at him. Light couldn't read his expression. They held each other's gazes until the sound of Watari's footsteps pulled their eyes away.

He unlocked Ryuzaki first, and Light watched as the cuff clanked down to the floor. Ryuzaki looked at his bare wrist, and rubbed at it absentmindedly. Watari walked over to Light next, and bent down slightly, inserting the key into the small hole and giving it a sharp turn. It released its hold on Light's wrist and fell to the ground, clanking with what seemed to be deafening loudness, and Light, too, grabbed his free wrist. He looked up at Ryuzaki with wide eyes. Ryuzaki looked back with thinly veiled fear.

ooo

Light really, really wished Ryuzaki would just go to his room.

It was well past midnight, and the bastard was just sitting on his chair staring blankly at his computer. The rest of the task force had left hours ago, and Ryuzaki had given them all the next day off to spend time with their families in celebration of catching Higuchi. He'd extended the same courtesy to Light, but Light had claimed that he didn't want to stop working until they'd figured out every possible detail of the case. He felt like he might be trying too hard, but he didn't like the way Ryuzaki had been looking at him. He felt certain Ryuzaki was suspicious; he couldn't let himself slip.

Though, in retrospect, maybe spending some time away from Ryuzaki's observation would have been a good idea.

Light reached his arms above his head, stretching and yawning audibly. He really didn't want to be the first to leave. He wasn't sure how to handle the issue of telling Ryuzaki he wanted his own room. He knew there was at least one upstairs that had been prepared for him should he ever be set free from the chain. He looked over at Ryuzaki as he put his arms down, but the man hadn't moved an inch. Light was convinced he wasn't reading anything on his screen, but was simply avoiding looking at him. He felt a flare of annoyance.

"Ryuzaki," he said, waiting for him to turn around. He didn't flinch. Light's flare of annoyance turned into more of a flame. "Ryuzaki!" He repeated more loudly.

"I heard you the first time, Light." He responded mildly. Light briefly considered strangling him and being done with it. Unfortunately, a memory of Ryuzaki's foot colliding with his chin popped up, and the urge was quickly suppressed. He settled for grinding his teeth.

"It's late. I think we should turn in. You gave everyone else a day to relax because they earned it. Why don't you take your own advice." Light stood from his chair and walked closer to the other man, putting his hands on the back of his chair and leaning over slightly. He wasn't entirely sure what he was doing, but he needed to make Ryuzaki believe that he hadn't changed.

"You go on ahead Light. I'm not finished here." Light sighed, and spun Ryuzaki around to face him, and the other man looked up in slight surprise. Light fought the urge to recoil when he realized their faces were closer than he had intended.

"I think I would like to have my own room again." Light said, any Ryuzaki looked down at his hands.

"Of course. The 12th floor has a suite of rooms that were prepared for you, should you ever be released. I'll have Watari transfer your belongings there in the morning. Until then, there should be enough to keep you comfortable." He spoke quickly, and in a business-like manner that was ill-fitting to his personality, keeping his eyes downcast. Light hesitated, knowing he couldn't leave just yet. There was one more thing he needed to do first.

"Ryuzaki," he said softly. He reached a hand to lightly touch the other man's chin, giving just enough pressure that he would life his face. His eyes met Light's, guarded and wary, and Light allows his hand to travel back, taking secure hold of the back of Ryuzaki's neck.

As he started to lean forward, he heard Ryuzaki's words from a few nights prior echo in his head.  _I was thinking that, if you were Kira, kissing me would be a rather unorthodox, though apparently effective, way of proving your innocence._ Light fought to restrain his smirk.

As he had done a few nights ago, he paused just before their lips touched. Ryuzaki's body had tensed, and Light could feel his quickened breaths ghosting over his lips. Sensing that he was not going to move, but also sensing that he wouldn't resist, Light pressed forward enough so their lips barely brushed. Then, it was his turn to freeze, as an unexpected shock ran through his system. He inhaled sharply in surprise, but soon found himself pressing forward, deepening their kiss with abandon.

The hand on Ryuzaki's neck snaked its way into his hair, knotting and pulling the man's face closer, while the other grabbed his shoulder as a brace. Slowly, he felt Ryuzaki relax, and soon the other man had reached out with his own hands to brush along Light's cheek and jaw. Light shivered at his touch, his mind spinning, trying to pull himself back together.

 _Intoxicating._ Light recalled thinking this once before. As if reading his mind, Ryuzaki's tongue ran across Light's lower lip and Light heard himself sigh in return. The sound seemed to snap him back to reality, and he pulled back from Ryuzaki breathing heavily.

The men stared at each other, faces flushed and eyes bright. Light cleared his throat, moving back slightly. "So, um, goodnight, Ryuzaki."

Ryuzaki nodded. "Goodnight, Light."

Light stared for a moment longer, and bent down for one last kiss before he could stop himself. He leaned in, breathing in deeply, letting the aroma of sweet spices cloud his thoughts. This time it was quick and chaste, and Light pulled away too quickly, and he turned and left the room too quickly, because he didn't want to see what look was hiding in Ryuzaki's eyes, and he didn't want Ryuzaki to see the scowl that was quickly taking over his expression.

ooo

Everything was going exactly as he had planned. He'd talked Misa into retrieving the second Death Note he'd buried. She'd done just as he'd asked, and when they had met for a short "date" outside headquarters, Light had taken back his original Death Note while she kept several pages for herself. Though Light had originally planned for Misa to make the eye deal a second time, for a reason he couldn't quite explain, he told Misa that she was not to make the deal again. Not yet anyway. Something told him that she wouldn't need to. And, while it would be nice to finally be rid of her, it didn't feel necessary to risk her life in that way. He just had a feeling...

Besides, he didn't want Rem killing L. He wanted to do it himself. And, the way things were going, he just might be able to pull it off.

Misa, of course, was a complete liability now that she had her full memories back instead of just the general knowledge of who Light really was. It was lucky, really, that Ryuzaki had barred her from task force headquarters. Light had enough to be managing without throwing her into the mix, especially now that he and Ryuzaki were...

He couldn't very well pretend to be dating Misa in any capacity if he wanted to continue to gain Ryuzaki's trust or...affection. Figuring out where he stood with the other man was excruciatingly difficult. He couldn't figure out how much Ryuzaki still suspected him. He knew that, were it completely up to the insomniac detective, they would probably be chained together for the rest of their lives and that Ryuzaki would never truly believe him completely innocent. But Light was okay with that. All he needed to do was convince him that, even if he had been Kira, he wasn't now and never would be again.

Ryuzaki, on the other hand, had been acting exceptionally...depressed over the past few days. Ever since they caught (and Light killed) Higuchi, Ryuzaki had been acting strangely. Except, no, that wasn't exactly it. Ever since their chain had disappeared. That was when it had started.

Light wasn't sure how to behave around Ryuzaki anymore. When they were working, it was easier. Following leads and discussing options of whether or not Kira's power had transferred after Higuchi's death, it was all the same has it had been for weeks. It was after the task force left and Light and Ryuzaki were left alone, when there weren't others to act as buffers for their conversation, that was when Light was at a loss.

So, in the absence of discussion, Light had taken to observing Ryuzaki in the same manner that the detective used to observe him. He noticed that Ryuzaki wasn't eating nearly as many sweets as he used to. He noticed that Ryuzaki's hands more often that not sat idle on the armrests of his chair. And he noticed that his slouch grew increasingly pronounced every day, and he doubted the man had slept at all since the cuffs were removed. And he noticed that Ryuzaki rarely if ever looked his way.

Because if Ryuzaki had looked, he would probably notice that dark shadows were once again forming under Light's eyes.

He hadn't slept more than a few hours since the night he got his memories back. Light assumed it was just stress. He was so close to having Ryuzaki out of the picture, to having his path completely clear. But there were still so many pieces that needed to fit together. Everything had been going perfectly, it was true, but there was still amply opportunity for something to change. Anything could go wrong. And Light wasn't worried about anything taking him down more than he was worried about himself.

Something inside him didn't feel right. He was able to push it to the side during the day. He kept his mind busy working, thinking through his plans, keeping his act clean and convincing. But at night, when he returned to a room that was too big, too foreign and too...empty, that was when he felt it. It was gnawing at him, telling him that he was wrong, eroding his carefully thought out plans, and slowly replacing his desire to finally be rid of Ryuzaki with a desire to be close to him. He would close his eyes and see Ryuzaki's stunned expression after their first kiss. He would lay alone in his bed and he would fell the pressure of Ryuzaki's body curled against his own. So, instead of closing his eyes he kept them open. And, instead of laying down he paced his room.

It was slowly but surely driving him crazy, and he was sure it would lead to his downfall. He was crumbling.

So, maybe that was why he found himself standing outside of Ryuzaki's room in the middle of the night. Maybe, if he could convince himself...convince old Light...that Ryuzaki was nothing, and that he certainly didn't  _care_ about him, then he could finish what he'd started. He could live as God of his new world. He just had to get this strange urge out of his system.

Light had just raised his fist to knock, when he heard the handle turn and the door start to open. Ryuzaki stood in the doorway, fully dressed and fully slouching, eyeing Light with a mild curiosity. Light hadn't stood this close to him since that first night after getting his memories back. Slowly, his scent started reaching out and Light blinked in an attempt to clear his head.

"Hello, Light." Ryuzaki spoke looking thoroughly bored.

"Hello Ryuzaki," Light responded. "May I come in?"

"Certainly," he responded in a dull monotone, turning around and slouching back into the room. Light followed, quietly closing the door behind him. He turned in time to see Ryuzaki hesitate at the doorway to the bedroom, but it lasted only a moment before he shuffled his way in and sat on the edge of the bed they had shared.

"I'm surprised you're actually in your room." Light said, trying to start a conversation.  _Why am I here?_

Ryuzaki didn't respond, and Light sat down on the other side of the bed. "I'm sorry if I disturbed you."

"I wasn't doing anything important." Ryuzaki said, drawing his knees up so he was crouching. He finally looked up at Light with a determination Light was worried he wouldn't see again.

"But since you are here I feel like there's something I should tell you." He looked down again, like he was bracing himself, before meeting Light's eyes and speaking strongly. "Light," Ryuzaki said. "I'm L."

Light stared at him, brow furrowing in confusion.  _What is he doing?_ "I know. I've known that for months. What are you-"

"No, you misunderstand. My real name. It's L." He took a deep breath. "L Lawliet."

Light couldn't stop his mouth from falling open. "What?!" He responded too loudly. This couldn't be real. He lowered his voice. "Why are you telling me this? Do you finally believe that I'm not Kira?" He fought to control his expression, trying to make it somewhat hopeful, knowing Ryuzaki was putting him through another test.

"No. Quite the contrary. I'm telling you because I know you are Kira." Ryuzaki said it as simply as he might state the weather. Light, on the other hand, was sure his heart had stopped beating.  _What in the hell is happening?_

"No. No, you...you can't know that because I'm n-" His voice sounded too strained, and almost foreign.

"Light Yagami. You are Kira. You were always Kira. Except for the brief time when you weren't. And during that time when you weren't, you were just as determined to catch Kira as I was, and possibly even more so."

Light stared at him openly, in complete shock. Ryuzaki moved closer to him, and reached out a hand to cover his own.

"You told me then that you didn't want to be Kira. It was honest, one of the most honest things you've ever said. And do you recall what I said next?"

"You," Light started, feeling his voice catch. "You said,  _'_ Don't be. _'"_ The room was spinning.

"Exactly. I'm telling you my name, Light, because even though you are Kira, you don't have to be. You have to make a choice."

Before Light knew what was happening, L sat up on his knees and leaned forward. He grabbed Light's shoulders, and pressed his lips firmly against Light's. Light felt it as he moved his lips against his own, trying to coax a response, but Light was frozen. L slid one of his hands up to the back of Light's neck, and ran his fingers down the top of his spine.

Realizing that Light wasn't going to return the kiss, L moved his mouth down to Light's neck and started trailing kisses from his ear down to his collarbone. Light gasped when he felt L's teeth glide lightly over his skin. Something inside him snapped, and he grabbed L to pull him roughly back to his mouth.

Their mouths moved together perfectly, and Light grabbed L and pulled their bodies more tightly together. He ran a hand up L's arm and down his chest, and he heard L moan quietly in response to him running his teeth over his lower lip. All Light wanted was L, to have him close, to feel him and taste him and hold him. And L was everywhere.

But, too suddenly, L pulled back. He places his hands back on Light's shoulders, and Light felt a guarded mask slide onto his face as his trance was broken. He took in a deep breath, and looked straight into L's eyes.

"L Lawliet. That's it. That's your real name." It wasn't a question.

L simply looked back at him, motionless, expressionless. Light stood up and started out the room. He paused, just before closing the door, and turned back.

"Goodnight, L."

L looked up at him, shoulders slouched in defeat. He responded so quietly Light could barely hear him. "Goodbye, Light."

ooo

Rain was pounding heavily at his window.

Light was sitting at the desk in his room. He'd been there for the past 8 hours, one hand tangled in his hair, the other tightly gripping a pencil, the Death Note open to a new page in front of him.

_L Lawliet_

Ryuzaki's face was clear in his mind. He moved the pencil to the paper.

_Don't be_

He took a shuddering breath, and dropped the pencil, leaning his head down to the table and covering it with his hands. He felt tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. Why couldn't he just do it? He had the name. This is what he'd wanted.

_Light Yagami. You are Kira._

Yes. He was Kira. So why couldn't he kill L?! L knew who he was. L would surely turn him in, he'd be executed, and everything would have been for nothing! All he needed was some way to prove it, and Light knew he would find that evidence.

_L Lawliet_

Light picked up the pencil again.

_You have to make a choice._

Light screamed into his hands, tears openly running down his cheeks. He stood up and threw his chair across the room before he started pacing furiously.

Damn Ryuzaki. What had he done to him? Writing the name should be simple. Light had killed hundreds of people, Ryuzaki was no different than the rest of them. All he had to do was write his name. That's it. Just write his name.

_L Lawliet_

He picked his pencil back up and bent over the Death Note. He moved the point down so it almost touched the pristine page.

He stayed there for another 2 minutes, breathing heavily, before he stood and threw his pencil across the room to join his broken chair. He sank down to his knees.

_I can't do it._

_You are Kira._

_I don't want to be Kira._

_You are Kira._

_Don't be._

_You have to make a choice._

_L Lawliet_

Light sat upright, wiping the tears from his eyes. He walked slowly over to his chair, retrieved his pencil, and walked back to his desk with renewed determination.

_You have to make a choice._

Light bent down over the Death Note, and finally pressed his pencil to the paper, face clearly in his mind, and wrote out the name.

Behind him, he heard a quiet, high pitched laugh.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter took so long! It's a longer one (for me) and I wanted to get it just right. There's only one chapter left after this one. I can't promise when it'll be out, but I'll try to have it done as soon as I can! I'm really excited to finish this fic, and I hope you all are excited to see how it ends.
> 
> And, once again, thanks to everyone who has provided feedback! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!


	6. Shifts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> March 2018 update: I've finished going through and editing/updating all the chapters. Of course, there may still be some errors in grammar or spelling that I missed, but it is what it is. I hope you guys have enjoyed the story!

The rain pounded heavily around him, soaking him to his core. He barely noticed. Distantly, L recognized the faint sound of bells.

 _It's rather peculiar_   _how little I seem to care about certain death._

It wasn't that he was looking forward to it. Certainly not. More that he had accepted it as an inevitability. Of course, it had always been an inevitability, just one looming less closely. He'd spent months fighting against Kira. Months running through plausible deductions only to have each one busted before much hope could be gained. He'd worked alone, at first, thinking this criminal could be caught easily. But he'd been wrong (which he seldom is) so he'd joined forces with the Japanese police and the American FBI. With their aid, he'd systematically narrowed down his list of suspects, until only one plausibility remained.

Light Yagami

Honor roll student, attractive, polite, son of the police chief, borderline genius with deductive skills to rival his own. It had all come down to this one individual. Light Yagami.

And so he'd tried to familiarize himself with his prime suspect. He'd tried, countless times, to trap him or trick him into revealing himself. But, Light was intelligent, and Light figured out how to maneuver through his games. And then, when he thought he'd finally caught Light, it was Light's turn to set the rules.

Light, apparently, was a master game maker. Light had finally outmaneuvered him. Light was going to win.

Light was going to kill him.

No.

Kira was going to kill him (at least, there was an 87% chance).

L knew Light. He'd studied him, conversed with him, worked with him, lived with him, kissed him. L knew Light as well as any person might know another. Light was intelligent, quick-witted, and determined. Light was vulnerable, childish, and kind. L had grown attached to Light, and he had let himself feel for Light in a way he'd never felt for another person.

Light was Kira, it was true. L knew it, even though he had no way to prove it. But, Light wasn't Kira. Because Light was good, moral, and passionate. Kira was deranged, dictatorial, and evil.

Light may be Kira, but Kira had also killed him. Consumed him.

L saw it right away. He saw it from the second Light's hands touched that damned notebook. L's Light, the one he had studied, worked with, lived with, kissed, had died. And when L realized his Light was gone, a significant portion of him died too.

So, L decided he may as well make one last move. A final attempt to win. The game was ending, one way or another.

A sound off to his right grabbed L's attention, and his head snapped up. He raised a hand to move his drenched bangs out of his eyes. Nothing. L dipped his head back down, shoulders sagging.

He distantly realized it must be nearly 12 o'clock. Nearly 8 hours since Light had come to his room.

Here he was, standing in the rain, waiting to die. So, why was he still alive?

"Ryuzaki!"

The sound was muffled through the pouring rain. L's head snapped up for a second time. He looked to his right with poorly concealed excitement, but deflated immediately when he recognized the police chief standing under the awning nearby. He stared at Soichiro, waiting for him to continue. He said something, but L couldn't make it out. He sighed, and slouched his way out of the rain to join the chief.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you."

"Why have you been standing out in the rain?" Soichiro asked, giving him a scrutinizing look. L shrugged his shoulders, shoving his hands in his pockets with some difficulty.

"It helps me clear my mind."

"I see," Soichiro responded. He started walking towards the building, and L followed behind him. They remained silent, with the sounds of their footsteps echoing off the walls. Finally, Soichiro spoke again. "I came to find you because we've hit a slight snag in the investigation."

"A snag. How so?" L responded dully, not really interested. He was sure it was nothing overtly important.

"It would make more sense to wait and explain when we get downstairs. I'm sure it's nothing too important or complicated-" L sighed dramatically and looked up at the ceiling, feeling water drip from his hair down the back of his neck. "But without you or Light we are having trouble working through it."

That grabbed L's attention.

"Wait." L stopped suddenly, and the chief turned around to look at him with surprise. "What do you mean 'without you  _or_  Light'?"

Soichiro frowned. "Did I not mention? We haven't seen Light all day. We just assumed that, with how things are slowing down, you gave him the day off, or that perhaps he was with Misa. Ryuzaki, wh-"

A move L hadn't considered played out in his mind. He didn't hear the rest of what the police chief said as he abruptly turned and walked with uncharacteristic speed down the hallway.

_No._

Maybe Light wasn't planning to kill him. Because, if Light were going to kill him, he wouldn't want to let anything else appear out of the ordinary. He wouldn't disappear without telling a member of the force where he was going. He would't be so careless. L's heart was pounding, and a ball of fear was forming in his gut.

_He didn't._

L raced around a corner and into the stairwell, descending the steps as quickly as his legs would allow. He jumped the final 4 steps to the landing, and sprinted down the hallway to Light's door. He wondered if there was any chance he wasn't too late.

_Please._

Despite his rush, L stood frozen in front of the door. He could hear water dripping from his soaked clothes, creating a small puddle on the floor. He slowly raised his hand and pressed it to the fingerprint scanner, and subsequently typed in the 12 digit code that would let him access the room. He heard the click of the door unlocking, and knew he only had 11 seconds left to open it before it locked again and the code changed. His hand trembled as he reached for the handle.

3 seconds.

He turned the handle and inched the door open. From inside the room he heard someone breathing heavily, and the sound gave him a slight flare of hope. He pushed the door open just enough to see inside.

Light was kneeling on the floor, bent over so his forehead touched his knees, and his hands were gripping his hair. Around him, the room was in ruins. He hadn't seemed to notice L's intrusion. L couldn't describe the feeling of relief that flooded his body. He started moving further into the room, possessed by the urge to take Light into his arms. In that moment, he realized that it didn't matter that Light was Kira. He would do whatever it took to find his Light, bring him back, and keep him safe.

"Damnit, Ryuk! Stop laughing!" Light shouted into the empty room, sitting up suddenly. L jumped, but Light still didn't seem to notice him.  _Ryuk?_ L pushed his damp hair out of his eyes and looked more closely around the room. He narrowed his eyes when he spotted it. A Death Note lying open on the floor near the broken chair.  _Another shinigami._ His eyes traveled back to Light, and he could see the other man shaking with anger.

"I don't know why you want me keeping you in this world anyway." L wasn't sure what to make of that statement, or the bitterness with which Light spoke it. It seemed Light did not care for the shinigami's answer. He stood up, face contorted with a mix of rage and desperation, and took a few steps forward. He tilted his head up defiantly before speaking again.

"Just write my name in your book!"

"No!" L shouted before he could stop himself, fully entering the room, the door closing behind him. Light spun around, eyes wide in surprise, but he quickly narrowed them.

"Shut up, Ryuk." Light muttered, grimacing.

L was breathing heavily, and he could feel heat rising in his face despite the chill from his wet clothes. Light's eyes slowly raked up and down L's body, taking him in like he couldn't believe he was truly there. L had to fight, again, to suppress his desire to run up to Light and wrap his arms around him.

"What are you doing here?" Light asked with a malice that left L briefly stunned. Even at his worst, Light, or even Kira, had never spoken in that manner.

L cleared his throat, trying to attain a relaxed posture. "Your father mentioned not seeing you today. I merely wanted to check and make sure everything was alright."

Light didn't believe him. L couldn't blame him. It was a flimsy excuse for spying.

"You were spying on me." Light's hands balled into fists as he took a step towards him. L stood his ground.

"Well, yes, I suppose I was. Who were you talking to?"

Some of the color drained from Light's face. L saw him flexing his fingers anxiously. He clenched his jaw as his eyes darted to the side where L knew the shinigami was standing.

"Hello Ryuk." L said mildly. Light opened his mouth, but before he said anything to L he abruptly turned around.

"Dammit Ryuk, stop laughing!"

L took the opportunity to quickly cross the room to where the Death Note lay open. He glanced down at the words written on the otherwise blank page.

Light Yagami.

Seeing the confirmation that his deduction was correct ripped a hole through his heart. With his back to Light, he shut his eyes tightly and took a deep breath. He opened his eyes again, and reached down to trace Light's name lightly with the tip of his finger while he mouthed the words silently. Gingerly, he lifted the notebook.

"Shit." Light said from behind him. L turned around, holding the notebook delicately between his fingers. When he saw Ryuk, his eyes widened slightly in shock. He looked nothing like Rem. He supposed all shinigamis must look very different.

"Ryuk is it?" L asked. The shinigami nodded its head, eyes shining with excitement. "Would you please explain how Light's name is written in this notebook, and yet he's still standing there very much alive?" L' fought to keep his words even, he couldn't let himself falter.

Ryuk laughed, and suddenly L understood why Light kept telling him to shut up. The sound was chilling, L could feel it resonate through his entire being.

"The owner of a Death Note can only die when the Shinigami who owns that Death Note writes their name in their own notebook."

L's eyes flicked to Light, who was looking down at the floor, hands balled into fists, trembling slightly. His hair fell over his eyes, obscuring most of his face. L frowned.

"And you refuse to write Light's name in your notebook?"

"That's right." The shinigami responded. If possible, his grin broadened. L wondered if the presence of this monster alone would be enough to drive him fully insane.

"Why?" He noticed Light glaring at him.

"Things are boring in the shinigami world, and humans are so interesting. Light may be the most interesting human I've ever met. I could never have picked a better person to pick up my notebook!"

L heard Light scoff, and when looked back to him their eyes met. L didn't think he'd ever seen a person in so much pain. He was at a loss for words. But, seeing Light like this, and knowing what Light had tried to do, made him realize that his Light wasn't dead. Not yet. And he might still be able to save him.

L thought he'd played out his last move, but he'd been wrong.

"Well, whatever the reason, thank you." L said to Ryuk was absolute sincerity, which caused the shinigami to finally become silent with surprise. L turned his gaze back to Light, who was looking at him with narrowed eyes.

"What are you thanking him for? Glad you'll be able to execute me yourself?" Light tried to fill his voice with the same malice as before, but it fell short. He was glaring at L, but L could tell that it was just a cover for his fear.

L held Light;s gaze and thought back to the time when they'd been chained together, the time when he genuinely believed Light had no memories of being Kira. The time, L suspected, before Light had touched the Death Note and regained his memories. That was his Light. L didn't know how Light was able to get rid of his memories before. All he hoped was that he could convince Light to do it again. For good.

Because his Light was still there, and L was going to get him back.

L took a step towards Light, and Light took a reactionary step back. L shook his head gently. "No, Light. I have no desire to execute you."

L slowly crossed the room, still holding the Death Note in his hands. Ryuk watched on silently, looking between the two men with intense interest. L approached Light, and held up the Death Note, offering it to the other man. Light hesitated, but slowly reached up until he was holding the side offered to him. The page with Light's name was still open, and Light couldn't draw his eyes away from it.

"Light Yagami. You are Kira." L said to him. He saw Light flinch at the words, but his eyes remained glued to where his name was written in the notebook.

"Yes." Light's voice came out weak, shaking. But L needed to see his eyes.

"Light." L gently touched his chin, prompting him to lift his face. Light's eyes were burning with anguish. "Light, do you want to be Kira?"

Light looked down at their hands, where they were holding the Death Note between them. L could see him staring at his name, glaring angrily in dark ink on the white page. Light looked back up and swallowed hard.

"No."

L looked down at the name too and let go of the notebook, feeling the corner of his mouth lift in a small smile. He slid his hands along the cover until they found Light's, and he placed his hands gently over the other man's.

"Then don't be."

L brushed him thumbs softly over the back of Light's bands before he let go, and backed away a few steps. Light's wide-eyed gaze followed him. L could see the comprehension slowly dawning on his face.

Light turned to Ryuk, determination gradually replacing his despair.

"Ryuk. From this moment, I relinquish ownership of this Death Note."

ooo

Light remembered standing in his room. He remembered the way the furniture had been in shambles. He remembered L standing on the other side looking at him with concern.

Light remembered that he had tried to commit suicide. He knew he had wanted to die. But, he didn't know how he had tried it, and he didn't know why it had failed.

What he did know, what that he'd made the attempt because he'd thought that he was Kira. He'd thought himself responsible for the murders of countless individuals, and he couldn't stand the guilt anymore. He remembered L giving him his real name as a test, and that it finally drove him over the edge.

L had taken full responsibility. L told him that his incessant need to be right had finally driven Light to believing he was Kira, even when he had no memories, and no reason to believe that it could be true.

L had apologized for letting his pride jeopardize Light's life. He'd told Light that he finally believed him innocent. He said that Kira would never be able to take his own life. He told Light that he would never have been able to forgive himself for what he'd driven him to do. L had come to Light and clung to him like he was the only thing in the world keeping him alive.

So Light accepted his words, wanting them to be true but knowing they weren't, and forgave him. And Light kissed him. And L kissed him back.

L stayed long enough to tie up lose ends at headquarters. He met privately with Misa, telling Light he simply wanted to thank her for all her help. Light knew he was lying, but he also decided that, right now, he didn't want to know the truth. With the Kira investigation closed, L decided he was going back to England. He told Light that he wanted him to join his investigative team. Light smiled and hugged him, accepting the offer. But in the back of his mind he couldn't dismiss the thought that L still wasn't ready to let him go free. Light took L with him when he told his family he was going to work in England, and L held his hand tightly the entire time.

L never told him how Kira was able to kill people, and Light never asked. They tried to leave the Kira case behind them, in the past where it could be forgotten. Light remembered it every day, and he knew L remembered it every day too. And every day, he came closer to asking a question he needed answered, but every day he found another excuse to remain silent.

They lived in a flat in London, where they could walk to their new headquarters. They worked together to solve cases. Most they were able to work through easily. L once commented on how much quicker he was able to get through an investigation with Light on his team. Light knew he was just humoring him, but it made him smile all the same.

But sometimes they worked on difficult cases. Some that would seem nearly impossible. During those cases they would discuss, hypothesize, and argue. They would go without sleeping, L would consume inordinate amounts of sweets, and Light would spend hours writing down the names and details of suspects in a notebook that he always carried with him. When they finally solved those cases, L would tell Light how he couldn't have solved it alone, and in those times Light would believe him.

Light would often catch L staring at him. It was something he'd gotten used to, after how much L watched him during the Kira case. Most of the time, he'd catch L staring with a look of utter contentment on his face. Sometimes he'd catch L looking contemplative, like he couldn't work out how Light had ended up there with him. And even rarer still, he'd catch L looking at him like he was searching for something. It was during one of these times that Light finally asked a question that had been haunting him for some time.

"L, does it bother you that I used to be Kira?"

Light noticed that he didn't look very surprised by his question. He fought to keep his face from showing his apprehension, but he knew L would be able to see through him. L remained silent, no longer searching, but rather looking at Light thoughtfully for longer than he would have liked.

Finally, he replied. "No, Light, it doesn't bother me. Because you were never Kira."

Light felt a stir of annoyance. "You don't have to try to protect me from the truth. I know I was Kira. I've always known, from the day I tried to...I may not remember how it all happened, but I still know."

L shook his head. "You misunderstand. Yes, in a technical sense, you were Kira. I won't do you the disservice of lying to you. But answer me this, Light. Have you ever killed someone?"

"I...Not that I remember...but-"

L interrupted him. "No, Light! Have  _you_  ever killed someone?"

Light started hard into L's eyes. He swallowed, and answered in a hushed voice. "No."

"Have you, Light Yagami, ever legitimately wanted to kill someone?"

"No."

"Have you ever wanted to kill me?"

Light's voice gained strength. "No."

L smiled gently but fire remained in his eyes. He stood from his chair and walked slowly over to Light, their eyes glued together.

"No." L said. "Because you were never Kira." Light nodded numbly, and looked down at the floor. L leaned over him and pressed a kiss in his hair before tilting his chin up and pressing another more firmly to his lips.

Light didn't bring up the Kira investigation again, and L stopped searching him for answers he wouldn't find. Their lives continued on.

Every morning, Light would wake up pressed against L's side, their legs tangled together, breathing in L's sweet scent. L would tell him good morning, and he would plant a soft kiss on his head. Light would tell him good morning, and lift his head up to receive another on his lips.

And L would say 'I love you.'

And Light would love him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Okay, a few things. One: I can't believe I finally finished it! This last chapter was haaaard. I posted it yesterday, but decided I wasn't happy with it, so I changed a few things and here it is again. Two: Does anyone have suggestions for how to add warnings for suicide attempt without, like, ruining the story? I feel like if I add it as a tag it'll kinda give too much away. If you do, please help me out here! Three: I hope you all enjoyed the ending!
> 
> Four: Thank you to everyone who read this story, left me feedback, and supported me while I was working on it! You are wonderful, amazing people.


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